frustrations.

An uneasiness is disturbing the usual stillness within me. Ever since I found out I had to leave I knew that things can never go back to being the way they were, that life as I knew it was over.

It is the beginning of a new phase, of exciting possibilities, yet I cannot look past all that I have to leave behind or give up in order for me to get to this new phase. The thought of having to leave binks and my mother is unbearable. Binks more so than anyone else.

He however is nothing short of thrilled that its finally happening. No second thoughts.

While the joy over my successes are short lived, the focus on my short-comings are mortifyingly under scrutiny. I'm like an affection starved child, looking for validation from sources where it will not and probably even should not come.

He wants to project an image of me to the world, one that is perfect in every sense, one that is not all me. An image that will do nothing but supplement his own bloated ego. I know this is childish of him and wrong and I should be the one who understands, but it is hard not to be affected by it.

He does not know me, he does not want to. He knows a me who he wants to show to the world and I fall short. I cannot be what he wants me to be. I hate that he cannot accept me for who I am and I guess in his book it is too much to ask for.

I want to tell him-
"You and your silences have hurt me in many ways, I hope you understand it someday. I am frankly tired of trying to please you and I hope I find the strength to stop."

Her attention is so bleak that I can never be in focus for too long. So many priorities to get to before me. I am on her waiting list, I get placed according to her whims and fancies, I then cherish these moments like a fool.

Now I have to leave, I physically cannot move, I cannot get myself together. He comes in completely taken by her. I know where I stand, I cannot accept it. Again I'm low on another list, yet I find no comfort there.

I matter less and less to him I see now, I expected nothing less but it shook me. It saddens me when I'm around him that I won't be there for such an important event and he seems completely
unconcerned.

Everybody is busy with their lives, I need to be the same but I can't. Maybe I'm a fool for giving so much of myself into these relationships. Maybe all relationships are meant to be feeble and conditional. All I know is that this is not easy and while I'm trying to learn to deal with them, they hurt me quite a bit sometimes.