frustrations.

An uneasiness is disturbing the usual stillness within me. Ever since I found out I had to leave I knew that things can never go back to being the way they were, that life as I knew it was over.

It is the beginning of a new phase, of exciting possibilities, yet I cannot look past all that I have to leave behind or give up in order for me to get to this new phase. The thought of having to leave binks and my mother is unbearable. Binks more so than anyone else.

He however is nothing short of thrilled that its finally happening. No second thoughts.

While the joy over my successes are short lived, the focus on my short-comings are mortifyingly under scrutiny. I'm like an affection starved child, looking for validation from sources where it will not and probably even should not come.

He wants to project an image of me to the world, one that is perfect in every sense, one that is not all me. An image that will do nothing but supplement his own bloated ego. I know this is childish of him and wrong and I should be the one who understands, but it is hard not to be affected by it.

He does not know me, he does not want to. He knows a me who he wants to show to the world and I fall short. I cannot be what he wants me to be. I hate that he cannot accept me for who I am and I guess in his book it is too much to ask for.

I want to tell him-
"You and your silences have hurt me in many ways, I hope you understand it someday. I am frankly tired of trying to please you and I hope I find the strength to stop."

Her attention is so bleak that I can never be in focus for too long. So many priorities to get to before me. I am on her waiting list, I get placed according to her whims and fancies, I then cherish these moments like a fool.

Now I have to leave, I physically cannot move, I cannot get myself together. He comes in completely taken by her. I know where I stand, I cannot accept it. Again I'm low on another list, yet I find no comfort there.

I matter less and less to him I see now, I expected nothing less but it shook me. It saddens me when I'm around him that I won't be there for such an important event and he seems completely
unconcerned.

Everybody is busy with their lives, I need to be the same but I can't. Maybe I'm a fool for giving so much of myself into these relationships. Maybe all relationships are meant to be feeble and conditional. All I know is that this is not easy and while I'm trying to learn to deal with them, they hurt me quite a bit sometimes.

exams

The beginning Summer brings with it the joy of ice cream, trees in full bloom, sunny days. It brings with it a great sense of nostalgia, a reminiscence of those carefree days where for two months, I did nothing but play, go to camp, fight with my cousin and play some more.

Suddenly as the tendrils of summer extend to drip sweatily across my forehead, it has all somehow turned into humid days of harsh heat, an endless dryness in the throat, nightmares about incomplete exam papers and a sense of knowing that I am doomed.

The weeks fly by, I do nothing. Occassionally I remember them, laugh at remoteness and put on a brave front. But before I know it they are here, comfortably settled on my shoulders, whispering threats in my ears.

It is the day before the day before the exams. Tomorrow I wake up and there is no choice, there is no procrastination- only a blind panic of knowing nothing except that it is too late to now. Tomorrow and the days that follow will hold me in their grip, they will taunt me with their jeers, time will elude me.

I long for that day when its all over and I can go about watching films and eating the proverbial pani puri in peace.

current obsessions.

I cannot get over this woman.

This movie in particular. This mad character she plays.. and her.

Thank you http://soundslikepower.blogspot.com for the screencap.

And I can't stop listening to the delicious caramel voice of this man.

And he's cute and has an oscar to boot.

inspired by Neruda and Jorge Drexler

El fuego y el cumbustible

Eres el fuego y yo soy el cumbustible

Una mirada solo basta, es incredible.

Ahora me te encanta mucho

Pero hablar de la manana no puedo.

Hoy pienso de ti- casi solo de ti

Y no puedo parar pensando de ti.

Me acuesto con una sonrisa

Conocer sobre ti soy contenta.

Quiero verte lo que parece como siempre

Tienes que parar tanto seducirme.

Tu hermosura, intelecto me atraen

Tu coloquio me queda tan bien.

Espero olvidarte un poco ayuno

No esta continuarlo para mi tan bueno.

in the mood for some Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.

'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.This is all.

In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda

I love this poem by Neruda, he is a true Maestro. Although as a cynic with stunted emotionality I would normally dismiss poetry as excessive and and an indulgence for the verbose, pretentious or dramatic, this poem moves me every time I read it.

Perhaps my opinion of poetry is coloured by all that I have read and maybe I've looked in all the wrong places. I feel so strongly about it that even when I write poetry I always dislike the way I sound in retrospect.

"Tonight I can write.." is one of the most beautiful poems I have read, I can't claim to have read much but from what I have his lines stand out in my memory as lovely and sad. The words are so real that it is impossible not to adore them. He is so realistic when talking about love, he says that they loved each other sometimes and other times they didn't. Isn't that what love is like? In actuality can anyone claim to love unconditionally and consistently? I think that it isn't possible.
To love someone, I believe, in my own warped way that you must also hate them a teeny bit occasionally. Hate them, be exasperated by them but come back to them each time..

Neruda writes with all the beauty of a true poet but speaks from the perspective of a realist. There is a true arc of emotions here, he takes us through the process of losing love and healing from it- step by step. Going from reminiscence to sadness to hopelessness to longing to wondering about the future and an eventual acceptance that it cannot be.

Another thing I love is how the whole poem is not about what he is writing but what he can write. Giving examples of what he can say in a situation like this. Neruda here gives the impression of truly understanding the human condition of loving and losing love. Also there is a subtle sense of mockery towards what can be considered "love poems". Its almost as if he says " This is what one might be expected to say in a situation such as this one.."

All in all, I am truly moved. Get goose-bumps almost.

like a moth to the flame..

I watched Deepa Mehta's "Fire" after trying to get my hands on the dvd for a long time.. I was thoroughly moved by the film, realistic or not. I understand what people mean when they say it is not believable .

Firstly, why would two seemingly straight women suddenly decide to get involved in an intimate physical relationship with each other? I thought that there were no signs that either of them were homosexual or even bi-sexual in the film before Sita actually initiates intimacy with Radha.

Although when I watched it again I realised that there are subtle signs of it. For instance when Nandita Das' character begins to cry in the scene where they first kiss, Radha consoles Sita that things will eventually work out with Jatin and Sita clearly states that its not that that is bothering her, indicating that she has possibly begun to acknowledge her feelings towards Radha and that she is scared/confused by them.

Again their relationship seems based on the fact that there is no physical intimacy in their respective marriages making one question whether their relationship would exist if their husbands treated them better. Is this a realistic/ valid basis for the spark of a new relationship?

why not? Isn't it out of neglect or a lack of connection/communication with spouses that people resort to having extra marital affairs? In the case of "Fire" however, it seems relatively unlikely because it is a same- sex relationship. I agree that same-sex relationships are no different from heterosexual ones. But the film was not executed in such a way that one could sense the characters' musings about their sexuality, therefore it came off as a spur of the moment kind of decision.

Most people argue that since they were sisters-in-law the film could have just focused on the great bond or friendship that developed between them instead of resorting to portraying them as lovers. This comment I'm afraid comes out of not being open-minded enough. The theme of the film is "desire" after all. It is about sensuality and a sexual awakening of sorts.

Also having them speak in English seemed very out of place, I would have loved it if it was in Hindi and had English subtitles. Another thing that concerns me is the social class of the characters. They were from a middle class family, and I wonder if it is possible for women from this class of society who are brought up to believe that serving the patriarchs of the family should be the only objective of their lives. Though this clearly comes through with Shabana Azmi's character, it is the younger more modern Sita who brings about ideas of change and choice within Radha as well. In my (possibly biased) opinion this sort of relationship has better chances of growing within higher classes of society where women have greater exposure and are more aware of their rights.

Despite everything I THOROUGHLY enjoyed the film. The performances are absolutely moving. I was touched, moved, energised, saddened, smitten all at once. It is sensual, seductive, erotic and lovely. Shot aesthetically, beautiful dark shadow-y shots and the slow sensual pace is thoroughly arousing. One clearly gets the sense that the characters are in love and can't help but root for them. I may now even be infatuated with Shabana Azmi.

More on Pepi Luci..

So I watched "Pepi Luci Bom..." as I mentioned yesterday and although it is Almodovar's first directorial venture i found out that he has written scripts for other movies before this one.

Its possible that it leaves me rather dissatisfied because at this point of time he still needed some fine tuning when it came to directorial skills. A commendable script, however the execution is rather off. The events lack a natural flow and seem like random unconnected occurances.

I don't think it was intentional to make them seem random. At the end of the movie I was left wondering, thinking "So.....?" It seemed without a point altogether. Although its purpose could have been to chronicle the punk rock era of the 80s, something seems missing.

However, being an admirer of Senor Pedro, it certainly was not wasted time. It was a rare find and a treat to watch his early work all the same.

opening

I hope to do more pro-active blogging with this one, fill it with my opinions on EVERYTHING.

More than anything else this is to motivate myself to break out of my lazy shell.

I am a big fan of Pedro Almodovar and I'm currently watching Pepi, Luci, Bom y las otras chicas del monton starring Almodovar's favorite Carmen Maura. This is Almodovar's first film from what I hear and it is entirely believable because his plots get more and more sophisticated with his later films such as "Mala Educacion" and his latest offer "Volver."